A Response to "Dear College Me"

Dear Me (before I started College),

Hi, yeah, how are you? I hope your berry sangria tea was good, but more importantly, I hope that Starbucks was able to fix their sparkle machine because you (we?) deserve sparkly drinks because you are sparkly af.

I have just finished my first week of college, as you know. And as you also know, I have some answers to questions you have for me. Please listen carefully because you need to know these things or else you might die.

Okay. Not really. But still listen because this stuff is good to know.

You may be happy to hear that yes, I still want to study journalism. In fact, I want to study it a whole lot more than you probably do. I want to drown in all things journalism. And then resurface and continue to make journalism sandwiches and eat them for lunch. Every. Day.

Look, I'm not saying to put all your eggs in the journalism basket but put in at least a good 3/4 of them.

As for being a freshman again, it's not as bad. After spending a week in college I've come to the conclusion that high school is just this horrible bubble that people trick themselves into thinking is much more important than it is. Or at least they choose the wrong things to place such importance on.

Whatever. But the point is, no one cares if you're a freshman when you're in college. If they do, you need to start hanging around different people. Because college is this wonderful place where a lot of people (not everyone but that's everywhere) have seen the light and shed their childish, high school ideas of what is cool and what's not cool. Believe it or not, many people are actually genuinely interested in things you have to say.

Oh, but teachers still call on people randomly in class.

And you have class at 8 AM. Every day. So no, you don't have to get up at 6:30. But you do have to be up and awake by 6:45 so you have time to make those dank protein smoothies. That's another thing that I should tell you. You drink protein smoothies every morning. I know what you're thinking, but don't dismiss something you haven't tried yet, Rude.

Your English professor seems fine, by the way. Though it's not looking like that class is going to be a favorite. So I guess it doesn't really matter if he's cool or not, except from past Oxford experiences a cool teacher for a not so cool subject can really make things go smoother.

Speaking of Oxford, you're definitely prepared for homework and writing and stuff that they think matters. Except for social skills. You're on your own with those. I think maybe the founders of the school thought that they could get past the fact that they breed socially awkward potatoes if they just made them really, really good at solving math problems or annotating for character development. But, as I have observed in college, that shit doesn't cut it. At least not on their own.

You will be delighted to hear that I have been drinking a protein smoothie for breakfast every day, eating lunch regularly, and cooking/eating dinner at reasonable times. I have also discovered mint chocolate Cliff bars and my life has been changed for the better.

Yours lovingly,

–You after going to college for a week